It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
