@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
3pm strippers are depressing
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
