I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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