i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
