holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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