remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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