my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i think i just lost a toe
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
