I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
