four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
