That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All I want is dick and wine.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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