there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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