Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
