I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
