nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
