Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
