Don't make out with my wife yet
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
