I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
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Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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