Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
