I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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