But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
