We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
