i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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