For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
