Nicole vs. Life
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
