got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
