I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
