the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
