Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
