I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
