You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
