I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
