Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
whose parrot is this?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
