I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
