if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
