Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
