She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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