But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
