The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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