the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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