i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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