I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
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When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.