I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
