Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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