I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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