Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I love you.
Bad choice
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
