The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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