I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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