In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
