my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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