Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
