Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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