He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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