i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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