His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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